Mommy Dearest
MOMMY DEAREST-CIRCA 1999
i am a horrible mother
feeding the wild ones a quick breakfast
filling their tummies
like an obligation
i stare blankly out the frosty window
the sky is blue
the trees are bare
the little ones pound their fists
or toys
against the table
i can hardly think
i hold my back
it aches from pacing through the night
my head is a haze
from the little green pills
that are supposed to take the fear away
they never do
the little ones long for mommy to play
i feel the iciness wash over me
i am not really here anymore
i am a programmed
expressionless imposter
holding her breath
trying not to explode
somewhere inside
the real me lingers
the optimistic
playful
smiling girl
that everyone likes
that i like
but i live in the twillight in my head
i remind the robot
move
speak
snuggle
bake cookies
paint
breathe
i am a horrible mother
and yet
i can feel how big my heart is
feel how much i love
i am trapped
secluded
silent
holding up a fortress
that is slowly crumbling
